Today I'd like to address the many people out there that order a pizza over the phone. You would think this would be a fairly simple task that would be hard to screw up. WRONG. It is unbelievable the kind of stupidity exercised by people while ordering a pizza. Take this for example:
Calling in an order:
Us: "Hello, Pizza House."
Customer: "Um, hi! Are you open?"
Well, we answered the phone didn't we? You have now identified yourself as a stupid person. Strike one for you. As much as we would like to say, "Nope! We just stand here and answer the phone for the fun of it!" we have to be polite. But, if you follow this question with, "Are you busy?" or "Busy tonight?", don't be offended if you hear a sigh or we are slightly less than polite while we take your order. If we are busy, you are wasting our time asking dumb questions. If we aren't busy, what are we supposed to say, "No"? That makes us sound like no one is ordered because our food isn't good. Just don't ask. We know you don't really care. Strike two for you. Next up:
Customer: "Can I order a pizza?"
??? "Nope, we don't make those here!" Yeah right. I do value my job, since it's where I get my paycheck. So as much satisfaction as it would bring me to say that, I refrain. I'll probably say "Sure, what would you like?" in a forced friendly voice. But you can be sure I am feeling anything but friendly. I even get an occasional, "Do you make pizzas?" SERIOUSLY???? You are already at strike three and we have not even started to take your order yet. Continuing:
"Um, ok hold on." [Person makes no attempt to cover phone before yelling] "HEY GUYS? What do we want on our pizza?" By this point we are ready to hang up the phone. I know that I myself have seriously considered crinkling a candy wrapper into the phone and pretending we lost the connection at least once. Would you call 911 and ask them to wait while you find out what the emergency is? I didn't think so. Why call for food without knowing what you want?
Another thing that really ticks us off is when you call up just to ask what time we're open till. Not only do we have to stop what we're doing to answer the phone for nothing, but then we know for sure that you're one of those people who will call up at five minutes of closing time, order something complicated, and get it delivered, so we'll have to be here at least an extra 30 minutes after closing. Very rarely, but it does happen, we close early and as we are finishing up we hear the phone ring. You can bet nothing else brings me as much satisfaction as hearing the phone and knowing that some person will NOT be getting a pizza tonight because they waited till the last minute to order. HA.
After all the things that customers do that brings us grief, some of them actually have the nerve to think they are all buddy-buddy with us. A few things not to do:
-Ask us to "throw on a little bit more of a topping". That is called an extra topping. It will cost extra. Be ready to pay the $1.09 and don't complain. Just because you're all fake-nice on the phone doesn't mean I'm going to do you any favors.
-Call us "hun" or "sweetie" on the phone. It's creepy.
-As for a discount on a "large order". Three pizzas does not count as a large order.
-when we tell you the time it will take for pickup or delivery, don't ask if we can get it there any faster. If we could, that would be what we would tell you. The pizza has to COOK. If you prefer we could just give it to you raw. Then we could get it to you considerably faster. Also, remember tat the sooner we are off the phone with you the sooner we will make your order, which will determine how long before it goes in and comes out of the oven. So cut the crap and maybe we could cut our delivery time.
Placing the actual order:
"What can I get for you?"
"Ummmmm......Can I get a cheese pizza with pepperoni and sausage?" For one thing, this is no longer a cheese pizza. Ask for a pepperoni and sausage pizza instead.
"Small or large?"
"Ummm.....large."
"Will that be all?"
"Ummm...hold on. GUYS? Do we want anything else?" (pause) "Um, we'll get a large pizza with half extra cheese and half light cheese. And can you make it with one slice green peppers?"
There are so many things that are frustrating about this order. For one, is it really necessary to say "Um" before every sentence? And you do realize that when the pizza goes in the oven the cheese will all melt TOGETHER and the extra cheese and light cheese will be no more? And finally, slices. It is fine if you want half the pizza one topping and half of it another, but slices? Do you realize how hard it is to put a topping on exactly 1/8 of the pizza? Give us a break.
Delivery:
I understand how the delivery guys feel when the phone rings and they hope it is a delivery so they have something to do. But honestly, every time I am taking an order and I ask "Pickup or delivery?" I am hoping you are going to say pickup because that will make my life so much easier. Let me explain:
Us: "Pickup or delivery?"
Customer: Um...delivery."
"Okay, can I get your name please?"
"Um.............(UNBELIEVABLY long pause) Joe Smith."
"And your phone number?"
"Um...[again, no attempt to cover the phone] {yells} GUYS? What's my phone number?" People think it's so clever when they say, "I don't call myself too often" while we're waiting for them to figure out their number. It's really not.
"And where's it going?"
"Huh?"
"The pizza. Where would you like it delivered?"
[At this point the conversation goes one of two ways.]
#1: Oh. Hold on. [You know what goes here. I'm always sure to carry Tylenol in my purse at work because I know I will have a headache from all the people yelling in my ear.] GUYS? Where am I?" If we are lucky enough that someone in the house knows the street name and number, we continue. Back to the 911 example- what would happen in an emergency? You'd call 911 and you wouldn't know where to have them bring the ambulance?...
"What color is the house?"
"Oh hold on, let me check."
"Is it on the left or right side of the road?"
'Well, shit, I don't know. GUYS! What side of the road are we on?" SERIOUSLY? Have you not left the house in, I don't know, your entire LIFE? Have you not at one point had to find your way back to the said house? Should you not know how to get there?
"Are there any cars in the driveway?" {Here we are looking for the color and type of car, as a reference.}
"Oh, lots of them."
{or}
#2: "Where is it going?"
"Fair Haven." (I am definitely rolling my eyes at this point.)
"Ok, where in Fair Haven?"
"My house."
"Whereabouts is your house?"
"It's on Route 30. He's been here a million times." Really? Did it ever occur to you that we have multiple drivers? And that maybe someone new is working. Or that we have enough customers in the area we cover that they don't remember every single one even if they have been there before?
These people are probably worse than the first group because instead of not knowing where they live they just don't want to tell us. DO YOU WANT YOUR PIZZA OR NOT?
The bottom line is, don't piss off the people that make your food. I have never spit in anyone's food and don't intend to, but don't tempt me. You're placing a good amount of trust in the people who prepare your food, don't give them a reason to mess it up.
